Today was Monday and it was the start of a new me. Here is what I ate: PB bar 170, Slim fast 170, Gold Fish 200, Nutrain grain bar 140 and some beef jerky 150. Total cals: 830 and burned like 400 at the gym! YAY! I did 30 mins of the eliciptal and 40 mins on the bike and Derek worked my muscles. I feel good today, Finally I have not felt this in like 4 months. Sleeping at my house! nIght! CW: 172 

I feel like my  body has betrayed me and its all my fault. I have gained about 30 pounds in a year and its all my fault. What happened to the control of not eating??!! I can not do this anymore. I have started to take metbolife cause I am thinking that I prolly fucked up my metaboliim restricting all the time. I am currently a size 12 and all I want to do is sleep until the weight is off. I want to lose 20 pounds for my b-day. Its going to be hard but my god I have never hated myself more than I do right now. Its terrible. Pure hated for your own fat ass is the worst feeling ever. I mean I look at myself and I just see fat its gross! I feel like I am drowning in a pool and no one is there to help me! 173 god that is like what I was before I lost all the weight. I ask myself what the fuck has happened and I am not sure. It makes me sick it makes me want to curl up and die! I mean how many people honeslty wouldnt care if they died cause right now they feel so fat that is me. I know if I do not start losing this weight then I am going to push Derek away cause then I have nothing but work and losing weight. I do not want to push him away cause I love him but Im not used to having to balance this. I AM NASTY!

2 gronala bars (am teaching) 280
Lunch: Carrots with sauce: 100
Went on run with D for 45 mins ate an apple when done 120
softball game at 6
7 ate a cookie 150 :-(, yogurt 60 and 4 sheets of grams so 280 
total cals: about 1,000 CW at 7:30 PM 162 going to D for the night I hope I can not eat! I need to do better tomorrow!

Todays is Monday! 

I had a 2 PB cookies that Ash made :-(
An apple at like 4 before D and I went to hit some golf balls 
And like 4 green grapes! 
That is IT! Yay for me! 
The last time I ate was 5:30 and it was a cookie. So tomorrow no COOKIES! 
CW at 9:30 161
I can do this I need to watch the junk food! I can do this! I am going to bed! Night ya'll

I hate myself and my body!  I have 13 days till my brothers wedding and I wanted to be 145 but now I will be happy if I am 155. My plan I am on a water, apple, carrots and yogurt diet. That is it. Oh and maybe some sips of soy milk. I am pushing a size 8 right now and I hate it! I just want to weigh 145 and be a 6 damn it! 10 pounds and 13 days! I can do it! I last at at 2:30 PM Sunday! I will not eat anything else till Mon afternoon! I can do it!  I know I can!

 

 

Popsicle: 60 cals, 20 saltines (4 servings) 60 cals per serving= 240 Vanilla Shake= 750 Total Cals: 1050 Cw: 163 
I think I am getting the flu cause I feel like shit. Bought the stuff to take so I don't get sick from Dairy and it worked but I think it makes u constipated. LOL but yeah watched movies and after school Night ya'll 

Ok! Here it is I have 53 fucking days to lose! I am at 168! My god I want to cry when I type that! I know what I need to do! No more late night eating with D! I love him but its got to stop! I need to go to the gym 3 days a week! Ok Jess think thin! THink 6! UR FAT!!!! I want to Wow everyone at the wedding I want them to say wow she looks good! I want to weight 145! THat is a good weight for me! I can do it! I know I can and I will the right fucking way! No more laziness! No more excuses! Get OFF UR FAT ASS!! AND FUCKING DO IT!!! HERE IT GOES! every night right in here what u do and ate! or somewhere! Today walked the lake walk! Good! I know that when I start to exercise I am going to push D away but oh well I can't stand being fucking fat! NO more! DO IT! 53 fucking days! NOW! Fat Ass!

This is it. This is the last straw. I am disgustingly fat. I can't see my hip bones and I pretty much hate my body. My jeans are to tight and I am working out which is nice cause I have muscle but my stomach is still to damn big. I am going back to the measures of not eating much. Derek is great but I think I can watch what I eat around him better. I need to get thin for Josh wedding. I have about 2 and 1/2 months and I want to get to 145 that is now about 20 pounds that i have to lose. I might not lose it cause I am getting muscle but damn it I want to be a six 6 again!  Not this almost 10 shit! Its nasty! Ok so this is it! Also I told D about my eating issues and how I Love him. He was sweet about it.  Ugh I hate being fat!

So I have had a month off and I thought I would get skinny but instead it reversed I got fatter. I am currently 160 (it makes me want to cry)! Dating Derek is wonderful but I can not eat all the shit that he does it has got to stop so I told him that I was going on a diet and I think he will work with me on it so that is good. I don't know what to do about Derek. I like him and hanging out with him and the sex is amazing but sometimes it feels like I want more than just that. I want to feel like we are connecting on a level deeper than just physical. Sometimes I feel like we are just friends with benefits. And then there is Don he understands me and he opens up to me and I to him but I can't date him I mean he is not right for me. Derek is right but I wished he opened up like Don does. Ugh! So my goal is to weigh 130 for the wedding I know I can do it I just need to watch all the shit I put into my body! My DR is an idiot! I wanted to get put on topomax cause I heard that it decreases appetite so I suggeseted it and boom got put on it! Sweet! Ok well I am depressed cause of my weight so I am going to bed!

Ok so I am Currently 157. I work tonight and tomorrow so I need to be strong and not order anything! I hate that I can't fit into my jeans and that I had to borrow my sisters size 10 jeans! which were a little baggy but fit. I want to be a size 6 not 10! Ugh! I need to make sure that I stear away from the damn candy and cookies! At the end of this month I want to weigh 148! I can do it!  I told Derek my plan about how I want to lose weight and get toned for the wedding and he was all for it so that is sweet! Right now I am super sad and don't know why! Its prolly cause I am not happy with myself or my image. Ilike the fact that I have an ass but I hate my damn love handles. I saw a pic of me in Florida when I was about 140 and I loved it! I was so tall and lanky so I am just going to shut my eyes and pic that and think thin!